Foreword: I am a self-proclaimed horrible cook, so I’m not going to subject you fine readers to listening to me pretend I’m not. I get my cooking skills (or lack thereof) from my mom, who swears up and down that she’s “not too bad.”
Don’t let this feigned sense of humility fool you; she’s pretty bad. I love her, but cooking’s not her thing. Just to illustrate how much she should leave the cooking to…neither of us, I’ve compiled a list of tips she lives by:
1. Microwave everything for nine minutes. This includes popcorn, which may result in it becoming a coarse charcoal-like powder. But everything tastes better burnt, so it’s OK.
2. Stuffing restaurant bread in your purse
actually makes it taste better.
3. Experimenting with every exotic variation of orange chicken you try in ethnic restaurants and attempting to test them on your vegetarian daughter is not only acceptable, but encouraged.
4. Just add garlic.
5. When making salmon croquettes, more is more. Even if “more” means lime with the rind.
6. Expiration dates don’t matter. Know the difference between an actual expiration date and something that just says “should be consumed before 2001.”
7. Why pack food separately when you can make one giant compost heap in a plastic container?
8. When cooking food, namely macaroni, make it in bulk – even if you live alone. Keep it uncovered in a giant pot in the middle of your fridge and
casually nibble on it as a midnight snack.
9. An ice pack doesn’t stand a chance against a bag of frozen peas.
10. Mayonnaise never goes bad. Any challengers of this statement should refer to tip No. 6.