Letter to the Editor, Squashed Dreams

To all members of the broader New Paltz community. 

We write to express our shock and outrage over a recent structural change in the gym. While we were sleeping, apparently, some elves went into one of our beloved racquetball courts and, using a ton of lumber, turned that court, irrevocably, into a squash court. We could not believe our eyes and had to pinch one another to make sure that this was not a bad dream.

 As members of the New Paltz Faculty Racquetball Club (yes, we are just making this up right now – but, please, let us know if you’d like to join us – there are still two true racquetball courts in Elting Gym – for now …), we write to provide some insight into this grave matter.

 While we are aware that some see this as a matter of opinion, we state here, as scientists with advanced academic training, that, as a matter of fact, the game of racquetball is far superior to squash. For a plethora of reasons. First, did you ever see that little squash ball? Please! What is that thing? It looks like a rubber ping pong ball. That’s hardly a ball at all, and we all know it! Next, there are those metal tins precluding points that hit just above the floor. In racquetball, you can hit anywhere on that front wall as long as it is above the floor – even one inch! Even half an inch! That is very exciting. To take this rich, athletic experience of getting a point by scraping the ball just above the floor away from members of our community seems like nothing short of a downright shame.

 In racquetball, a player may hit the ceiling with the ball. Wow, that is fun! But, in smelly old squash, no dice. A ceiling ball is called “out.”

 As objective evidence of the superiority of racquetball to squash, we need look no further than the scoring systems of the two games. A racquetball game goes up to 15. A squash game goes up to a measly 11. That is a difference of FOUR POINTS – or 27 percent. Thus, by this particular index, we can say with confidence that racquetball is 27 percent better of a game than squash is.

 If you’re interested in joining the New Paltz Faculty Racquetball Club, note that each semester we choose one evening a week that works for most people’s schedules – and, while we are not exactly professionals, we play our hearts out and it is a ton of fun. Anyone, even Yoni Schwartz, is invited to join.

See you on the courts!

Most sincerely,

Professors Glenn Geher (Psychology and Evolutionary Studies) and Raj Pandya (Physics and Astronomy)

 P.S. Actually, squash does look a little fun – maybe we will have to give it a try!