I hate math. Or rather, doing math is what I hate. I hate doing it because I’m not good at it and I don’t like not being good at things. I’ve found solace in literature, poetry and Phoebe Bridgers but never numbers. I’d never seen the beauty in math or even considered that something so concrete and by-the-books could hold beauty.
I’ve spent a lot of time ridden with anxiety and worry — feeling things too deeply and having tunnel vision of everything wrong and dark in the world and in myself. When things were going well, I thought it was only a matter of time before they weren’t, and November always seems to bring me back to this feeling. When I started my freshman year at SUNY New Paltz, I was ready to transfer or something equally dramatic, when math and a now-friend convinced me I should stay. The first time we hung out, we talked about numbers. Angel numbers and the binary code and quantum physics and infinity and beyond. What are planets made of? What are we made of? What is the universe made of? This brought me to understand – and like – the idea that math is universal, the same in every language and every country, a language that connects the entirety of the universe in people and nature. I took this idea and went down an internet spiral that changed my perspective on life forever.
In mathematics, there are these things called fractals. According to Wikipedia, a fractal is “a geometric shape containing detailed structure at arbitrarily small scales, usually having a fractal dimension strictly exceeding the topological dimension.” In simple terms, they are never-ending and self-similar patterns. They are unending. They are used in data compression and computer graphics but also exist in nature. Snowflakes, clouds, trees, mountain ranges, pine cones and broccoli all contain these mathematical codes in their formation, connecting math with creation. Then there is the golden ratio, appearing in shells, the Fibonacci sequence, in hurricanes and sunflowers. They are referred to as divine proportions.
In religions like Hinduism and Buddhism, these patterns appear in mandalas to represent the path to enlightenment. They present endless possibilities and the cyclical patterns of nature. These patterns are also found in the structure of galaxies, a world far above our own.
What I gathered from this is that there is an order to the natural world, a connection between everything, and comfort in chaos. I may be stretching it, but to me, this equates to the fact that nothing is a coincidence.
Each part of a fractal contains the entirety of the whole. Does this mean that we are each fundamental, identical parts of a universe? Are we the universe experiencing itself in infinite ways? Do we really have unification that we see as separation? Is every odd phenomenon not really odd, but a necessary step toward a greater goal? For now, I’d like to believe this, because even though I’m still not good at math, it has given me hope. Hope that things will work out, even when the chaos feels so isolating. Math – something so concrete and by-the-books – has opened my eyes to the idea that we are all interconnected, that every person and creature is intricately designed to exist in a world where we are all meant to be and where all will be okay.