Modern Dating Problems Require Modern Solutions

Checking if they’re active on social media while you’re on delivered. Conjuring up scenarios where you’ve somehow upset them, or that they’re no longer interested in you. Worrying incessantly about the possibility that they’re talking to someone else: someone cooler, someone funnier, someone more attractive. 

Chances are, if you’ve been in the dating world, you’ve had thoughts like these. Your romantic interest, like virtually everyone else in your life, is probably just the tap of a finger away. No more same-time-tomorrows or pebbles battering your bedroom window long past your curfew – not with FaceTime and instant messaging. 

But this piece isn’t solely about how the ease of access we have to other people has increased our insecurities. That’s a whole other can of worms I’ve delved into on my Substack, “thoughts on the matter.”

We’ve become plagued by unrealistic and unreasonable expectations when it comes to early dating. Especially through dating apps, we find ourselves hinging on responses from people we don’t know, romanticizing life over a three-word response and wondering what color we’d paint our bedroom after the first date.

Limerence, a feeling described as “a state of overwhelming and unexpected longing for emotional reciprocation from another human, known as a limerent object, who is often perceived as perfect but unavailable,” has barrelled into the dating discussion over the last few months. 

One-fifth of Americans feel “daily loneliness.” Nearly half of Gen-Z has no dating experience and despite half of American singles reporting that they’ve used a dating app, videos discussing dating burnout and fatigue from platforms like Tinder and Hinge have amassed hundreds of thousands of views online.

So what, if anything, can we do? How can we stop ourselves from forming bad habits and insecurities in a barren, tech-dominated dating landscape while remaining optimistic in the search for love?

It starts with reevaluating what dating means to you. Take a step back from the chaos and ask yourself a simple question: What do you desire from dating? Is it casual hookups? Meeting your next long-term partner? Maybe you don’t know and you’re just going with the flow?

Sit with this question and think of a detailed response. You may have an answer immediately, but pondering your ideal dating experience may change that initial response or even create new questions. 

Regardless of what you desire, that doesn’t mean the stakes should be unnecessarily high. This common issue of putting all our dating aspirations onto our date(s) is what causes us to create baseless scenarios and grow insecure very early on. 

Even if you’re wanting a long-term connection, you must place your trust in the fact that you’ll find one eventually, even if your current prospects don’t lead anywhere. You can want it badly, but remember at the end of the day that dates are supposed to be fun above anything else, not nerve-wracking or life-or-death. 

If your date flops, or if things don’t work out after the second, third or fourth, the most important thing to remember is you will be okay. The lack of a partner is not a void or missing piece of you: it’s a beautiful addition to your exhilarating life, and it will come to you at one point or another.