Seasonal Single Hits A Sour Note

1/2 star

Many moons ago I wrote a review of Rebecca Black’s weekday wreck of a song “Friday.” Now, Producer Patrice Wilson has released a holiday horror in the form of young Nicole Westbrook’s “It’s Thanksgiving.”

While Westbrook hasn’t quite reached the hype of Black, this song has racked up 6,271,442 views (442 of which are mine) as of Nov. 14 after being posted on Nov. 7.

I will now take you step by step through this video (you can THANK me later).

So I’m all about counting down the days to Thanksgiving. After all, it is the most wonderful food coma-inducing day of the year. Maybe I’ve even sat on my bed staring longingly at my calendar while donning a “Dance Until Dawn” shirt, but I will neither confirm nor deny it.

Upon hearing the words “I’m wide awake and I should take a step to say thank you, thank you/ for the things you’ve done and what you did, oh yeah, ooh yeah,” I have to admit, I blushed. Nicole Westbrook thanking …me?  I don’t know what it is I did, but I feel damn good about myself now.

We are then brought into a joyous montage, which pays homage to Black’s earth shattering lyrics describing the order of the days of the week. Westbrook so kindly informs us that “December was Christmas/ January was New Years/ April was Easter/ And the 4th of July,” accompanied by shots of middle schoolers partaking in each holiday’s traditional activity, like Westbrook showing off a new basket and watching fireworks with friends.

Our girl begins cooking up a storm, as exemplified by  “With a turkey, hey/mashed potatoes, hey.” Even though she’s all smiles as she takes the turkey out of the oven and mixes those potatoes, my heart broke. Why is this adolescent girl making her own turkey? By herself? What kind of cruel world is this?

As she revels in all that is Thanksgiving, out pops Wilson himself, in typical Ark Music Factory fashion.  While his two giant diamonds will remain forever questionable, his jewelry choices fall to the wayside when you stop and think about the fact that he is for some reason lurking at all of their holiday festivities.  Give the girl some space, man.

One by one her friends arrive for the feast, but most importantly Wilson comes decked out in a full on turkey suit as he dances into Westbrook’s home like this is all fine and normal. No, Patrice, no.  How are you even a person? You have made me question my place in this world.

The height of the video comes when the rap is for once delegated to the songstress herself, instead of Wilson (one thing I am truly thankful for).  It is within this rap that I have found my new mantra: “Can’t be hateful, gotta be grateful.”  This could be the new “YOLO.” “CBHGBG,” anyone?

“Mashed potatoes on my, on my table/ I got ribs smelling up my neighbors’ cribs.” What? Ribs? And you claim this is your “favorite” day, Nicole? Blasphemy. I don’t even eat meat and I feel personally offended by this. I don’t care how badly you wanted to use the word “cribs.” You’ve crossed the line. The line thinly drawn in turkey grease and tears.

Then she starts singing into a turkey leg. It’s vaguely phallic, very uncomfortable and you lost me when you had the audacity to bring up ribs on Thanksgiving anyway. Plus I considered blinding myself with acid after seeing a middle aged man in a turkey suit fist pumping among 12-year-olds.

Although this anthem’s lifespan is short, I’m sure everyone will be singing it on Nov. 22 as they drink heavily to avoid actually dealing with those family members they only see that one day when we’ve “gotta be grateful.”


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