Sport or Not? Surviving the SUB Elevators

You thought the worst was behind you — over 7,000 students sharing a single elevator in one of the most trafficked buildings across campus, finally being reprieved. Between club meetings, casual dining or even finding a chair to sit and relax, it seemed ridiculous for one elevator to bear the brunt of that labor. Now, you have options! As you step into the elevator, taking your mail up to the 4th floor to take a breather in the lounge, you peacefully sigh as the doors close … but the elevator doesn’t move. Strange.

You push the 4th floor button again. Nothing. You try pushing the open door button, but the elevator seems to have gone offline. Every button you push seems to just mock you now with its red glow. You try to pry the door open with your own hands, but its steel jaws stay clamped shut, trapping you inside. You can’t panic too hard — you’ll lose oxygen faster that way. At least if you had someone else in the elevator, you’d have someone to trauma-bond with, but there is little humanity to be found in this cramped metal box, where the walls seem to be coming in closer and closer. You’ll have to start rationing out your lunch, conserving your energy and writing out a vague goodbye post on YikYak — it’s curtains for you.

After what feels like ages (realistically five minutes), the doors creak open, and you’re still on the basement floor, face-to-face with a disinterested Sodexo employee. Next time, you’ll take the stairs.