Top Ten “Just New Paltz Things”

New Paltz is such a sweet place to be. However, I’m so thrilled to use my platform as a journalist to make fun of it, because if I didn’t have an outlet I would probably drown myself in the Gunk— and then I’d not only be dead, I’d also have a Staph infection. Here are some things about being a New Paltz student that I either love or love to make fun of. Here we go Hawks!!


Why? That’s such an untapped market. China House? That’s a no from me. There’s also no Taco Bell here? Upsetting.


There’s so much to be said of the merits of living on a college campus. Where else would I pay approximately $1,000 rent a month so that I could SHARE an 8′ by 12′ room that never gets any sunlight and be fed garbage, all while being babysat? The wall in my bathroom fell off this year. Like, I walked past it and three feet of tile fell off. Two of the four outlets in my room straight up don’t work. Whatever meal plan I get, I stop eating by the end of the semester because everything just makes me feel sick. Hasbrouck hurts me. Nester’s hurts me. Nothing else is ever open. I give living on campus a 0/10, it’s dehumanizing.

8. 70/30 Gender Ratio

Don’t get me wrong, girls are the best. But— where are the men? Really, where are they? 

7. Fjallraven Kanken Backpacks

6. House Shows

What would I do if I couldn’t spend my Tuesday or Friday nights sweating in somebody’s basement bobbing my head to bad music and drinking somebody else’s warm beer? I’m sure good bands play at house shows sometimes I’ve just never seen it happen. 

5. Bar Culture

This is the only other way to go out in New Paltz. I love watching people throw up outside of Pigs. This is what I live for. 

4. Guitar Men

On any given nice day, there is at least one guy sitting outside playing guitar. He is not playing guitar well. You can fact-check me on this. I also once saw someone giving themselves a stick-and-poke on the bench outside Capen on a particularly sunny day. Good. 

3. The Atrium

Every time I bring someone to New Paltz, they ask what that stupid goddamn thing is. Don’t get me wrong, it’s kinda cool, but every time I have someone here they want an explanation that I cannot provide for them. It’s also between two of the ugliest and dirtiest buildings on campus. Whenever it is at all rainy or cloudy outside, the SUB looks post-apocalyptic. The Gunk adds to this effect, especially when its stench is intensified by rain. Mmmmmmm. 

2. Campus Architecture

Parts of New Paltz campus are super cute. For instance, whenever I’m around Old Main Quad I feel like maybe I’m actually in college for a second, perhaps due to the vast swathes of skinny white people smoking cigarettes outside of Humanities. Humanities is the most backwards building that has ever existed and also looks and feels like a high school. Shango and College look like they’re covered in a layer of dirt similar to the character Pig Pen from Charlie Brown. Wooster is a scary orange abomination and it smells like the future in there. I’m not sure how to get around CSB and honestly at this point I’m afraid to ask. Walking through Hasbrouck Quad makes me feel like I am dead inside. These are my feelings. 


This last one won’t be facetious. For all of the little problems I have with being a New Paltz student, it’s nice to be surrounded so consistently by people who are engaged, socially conscientious and care about being part of a community. We’re a friendly school, everybody holds the door for each other; like, we have a campus farmer’s market. New Paltz is bursting with kind people, great artists, activism and good cheap tacos. The professors, students and staff I’ve met here have made me feel cared about and welcome, even when coming in as a transfer student. Being a transfer student suuuuuuuuUuuuuUuucks. I definitely wouldn’t feel this way or this strongly without the lovely people of the Oracle. Due to working at the Oracle, I feel as though I found a lot of my people; I feel like I have a place here, as sappy and gross as that sounds. I can’t wait to see what next semester brings us. Cheers!!!!!