A Chip On My Shoulder

andrew lief

Think of the most disappointing event that happens to you on a daily basis.  Maybe it’s failing a test or maybe not having time to watch your favorite TV show.  I’m sure it’s terrible, and my thoughts are with you.

As disappointing as your event is for you, I’m fairly confident it’s not as disappointing as mine is for me.  For me, it’s every time I open a bag of chips and see that it’s half full.

I’m a big chips guy.  There are few things in life I enjoy more than opening a nice bag of Kettle Cooked Original Lay’s to compliment my wings or just having them as a delicious snack.

I know that the bags need the extra air space inside to make sure the chips don’t get crushed and to keep them fresh, but come on, it’s 2013. Nobody has figured out a better solution yet?

I’m no scientist, but there has to be a better way of packaging chips so the custumer can truly get the best bang for their buck.  I’m not going to stop buying chips, but it’s ridiculous that I’m paying $3.45 for a bag that’s half full.

As always though, I have a plan to end the suffering.

So, here it is:

This journalism thing is going to go according to plan.  I will become a successful sports writer, who makes tons of money.  So much money, that I will be able to retire from journalism at the age of 28.

Upon retirement, along with my friend Jordan and a team of the best scientists in the world, we will open up a new chip company called, “Five-fifths” —  cleverly named because our chip containers will be five-fifths full.

We will create the ultimate chip container, which will enable the chips to stay fresh, yet avoid being crushed at the same time.  The chips will come in original, sour cream and onion, barbeque, sea salt and vinegar and the rest of America’s favorite flavors.

Our headquarters will be located in the beautiful city of New Orleans, where we can establish our company as not only the best chip provider in the southern United States, but in the entire world.

Our slogan will be “Five-fifths = 100% enjoyment.”  Catchy, right?  I thought of it myself.  The creativity of the slogan alone will attract customers, if our product that is needed by any true American doesn’t.

This company will make billions of dollars, enabling both me and my partner to purchase pretty much anything we want.

We’ll buy something awesome, obviously.  Since our company is located in New Orleans, it only makes sense to purchase the New Orleans Pelicans.

We will lead the Pelicans to multiple NBA Championships, which will not only establish us as the best owners in basketball, but two of the smartest men in the world.

So friends, next time you open a bag of chips and are disappointed with the amount of chips inside, I want you to see my face and remember that hope will soon be on the way.