Archeological artifacts that prove the Bible to be a piece of fan fiction have Christians everywhere shouting “fake news” and atheists reveling in “I told you so.”
The Biblical Archeology Review reports that a team of archeologists found clay vases containing scrolls in Qantir, Egypt. At first glance, the scrolls appeared to be nonsensical, fictional stories. But after poring over them, the archeologists concurred that these were original drafts of the Bible with editing marks by multiple authors.
The Old Testament story of Abraham and his son Issac — in which God commanded Abraham to offer Isaac as sacrifice — has been revered to be the most noble demonstration of loyalty to God. But the papyrus scrolls tell a different, more cynical story.
“Okay, what if Abraham and Isaac were just going about their normal day and then in enters God and he’s like ‘hey, Abraham, if you really loved me, you would murder your son for me. Go. Do it.’ But when Abraham is about to kill him, God sends down one of his angels and he’s like ‘whoa dude, you were actually about to kill your son? God was joking! Wow, he really had you going there. Anyway, carry on.’”
The authors of the holy fan fiction also proved to have some creative differences. On the scroll with the story of a whale swallowing Jonah, resulting in him becoming a temporary tenant inside the whale’s stomach, one of the writers commented, “Are we all on board for this plot point? I don’t know, even for fan fiction, it seems pretty far fetched…”
In Jerusalem, the archeologists uncovered more chapters of the fan fiction in the form of broken pieces of pottery called ostraca. It was here that they discovered that Mary Magdalene was incorporated into the New Testament to “add some sexual interest.”
The ostraca also revealed that Jesus was not such a perfect being. One of the ostraca read: “You can’t have a conversation with the guy without him lecturing you about something and jamming a lesson down your throat. Also, have you seen him build a shed? He’s the sh*ttiest carpenter.”
Perhaps the most shocking evidence the archeologists found was that Jesus was never supposed to resurrect. However, it appears that the authors decided to scrap the ending and infer that he rose from the dead in order to “leave it open for a sequel, if we decide to do so.”