Burn Baby Burn

Celebrity gossip is certainly one of my guiltless pleasures. When it comes to the unbridled excess bestowed upon the spawn of the symmetrically-faced elite, I’m just done. I quit.

So, when the snark-tastic Tumblr “Suri’s Burn Book” became a full-length book, my pop culture loving heart swooned. Swooned, I tell you. The minute the book was available on Kindle I downloaded it, sitting on the edge of my couch in a bizarre gargoyle-like perch to read it in one indulgent sitting.

I’d go as far as to say “Suri’s Burn Book: Well-Dressed Commentary From Hollywood’s Little Sweetheart” by Allie Hagan benefits from the transition.

The blog features pictures and scathing commentary from the character of Suri Cruise (the over-exposed and often-photographed daughter of certified nutter Tom Cruise and Joey Potter from “Dawson’s Creek”).

Hagan’s Suri is a diabolical anglophile who divides her time between planning hostile takeovers, judging the broods of Hollywood’s A-list, making power plays against other big-name children (specifically Blue Ivy Carter and Harper Beckham) and mocking her hapless parents.

In short-form, the blog provides one-liners and clever commentary. It would’ve been incredibly easy for the project to derail in the longer medium, losing its edge and turning into a 25-year-old woman mocking small children (albeit filthy rich ones).

However, that was not the case. The prose remains tight and perfectly vicious.

Hagan’s Cruise comments on the hierarchy of celebrity children, dividing the old money, new money and trailer trash into their rightful categories.

However, I can’t say I agree with every decision. Sure, the McDermott-Spellings aren’t the classiest family in the zeitgeist, but they are certainly old money with the Aaron Spelling dynasty lining their pockets. However, her musings on the Kardashians are pretty much perfection.

I couldn’t agree more with Hagan’s thoughts on celebrities who should have children. Although I’m not a fan of  spawn, I think we are all keenly aware of how wonderful the offspring of Jon Hamm or Ryan Gosling would be.

The Suri persona is consistent: from her marriage contract with Cruz Beckham, her professional and competitive relationships with various business moguls, to her growing paranoia regarding the birth of the Windsor heir, the 6-year-old is a ball of Scientology-bred neuroticism.

It’s original, clever and pretty much the best thing ever.