Copy Desk Cook-Off: Boiled Water

Greetings fellow chefs, this is your leader speaking.

Since last year’s column “Tips from Bev” was so chock full of culinary breakthroughs, I decided to produce an addendum, except this time, it’s gonna be tips from me. You’re welcome.

Since my knowledge in the kitchen spans horizons too broad to cover in one column, I’m going to rein it in at boiling water. I know what you’re thinking:

“Boiling water? That’s way too advanced for us amateurs.”

Pish posh. I believe in you.

Now, boiling water can be tricky, and requires an extensive parchment scroll of ingredients. One must possess a pot and an element: water. When, and only when, the ingredients have been acquired may you proceed. The real kicker is the boiling.

Set the pot filled with your godly nectar on a stovetop — preferably a lit one — and wait for the bubbles to arrive. During this hiatus from being a mastermind in the kitchen, you can use the 45 minutes it typically takes for water to boil to amuse yourself. I personally enjoy pouring Elmer’s glue all over my hands and peeling it off, but if you have a more sophisticated way of killing time, be my guest.

Once the bubbles have fought their way to the surface, you have several options. You can either turn the fire off and call it a day, or you can decide to live on the edge and throw something else into the pot. Though I have rarely made it past the boiling, brave souls inform me that this “something else” is typically uncooked pasta, an egg or any other contents of your fridge you feel like experimenting with.

Should you choose the former, I commend you. Unfortunately, even my extensive culinary background is not equipped to handle what comes after seeing bubbles.

I’m usually so stunned at my progress that I flail my arms uncontrollably, knocking the pot over, injuring myself and others. But I’m sure that won’t happen to you, young padawans.