I’ve been given the task of being the author this week, something I find ridiculous. I’m probably the least qualified person on this staff to give any sort of instruction regarding the preparation of food, yet here I am.
I will try my darndest.
My first thought was to inform the reader how to microwave Hot Pockets or Lean Cuisines, but since everyone can read (I’m assuming) there’s no point, unless we start putting out an issue in braille. One can dream.
I then settled on shitty, microwaveable eggs, because, why the hell not? Eggs on the stovetop is one of the few things I actually can do, but fuck it, I will teach the poor, lazy way.
Step 1: Crack an egg. Or two if you’re feeling brash. Or egg whites if you avoid calories like the plague.
Step 2: Put into small microwaveable container.
Step 3: Add seasonings such as garlic powder, paprika, cumin, sugar, chocolate sprinkles, whatever you think will taste good in that yellow (or white) cesspool.
Step 4: Now, this is very tricky. Depending on your wattage, you will want to put them in for 60-85 seconds. Who knows? The fun thing about science is that it’s unpredictable, right? Just make sure they don’t explode.
Step 5: Take piping hot egg mess out and put it onto bread, croissant, baguette, sub roll, etc. and put on toppings such as cheese, bacon (another potential microwaveable mess) and call it a day and try not to hate yourself too much.