Let’s Be Real: You Would Not Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

The COVID-19 outbreak has sent my roommate and I down a rabbit-hole of movies and TV shows.  From all six of the “Tremors” movies to “Tiger King” and “Shaggy Dog DA” — but not a single one of these has sparked such a fierce debate in our house like “Dead Set.”  If you don’t know what “Dead Set” is, it’s a British TV show about the zombie apocalypse taking place on the set of the UK’s “Big Brother.” So, the question became; would we survive a zombie apocalypse?

My roommate is convinced that she is a survivor and would make it out alive.  I have never seen her run, so I’m doubtful of that claim. However, I’m not just doubtful of her chances at survival, I’m doubtful of mine as well.  

To be clear, we were talking about fast zombies in this debate, rather than slow ones, because slow zombies would be pretty easy to take on. Let’s use the zombies from “Dead Set” as an example of the kind that we’re dealing with in this hypothetical situation.  

I swear, these British zombies must have been marathon runners when they were alive, because they had insane endurance and could run for miles. Faced with these zombies, I know I wouldn’t last, because I simply don’t like to run. My legs get sore if I just go on a walk that’s a little too long, so even if the zombie apocalypse caught me on a good day, I know I wouldn’t last more than an hour.  

The only people who I feel would actually have a fighting chance in this situation are Olympic-level runners and the contestants on “American Ninja Warrior” — you know, the people who train for this stuff. 

Most people I know actually believe that they’d stand a chance in this situation and would want to even try to survive. I, on the other hand, assume the zombie apocalypse would be a very high-stress situation that I would personally have no interest in taking part in.

My roommate was appalled by my non-existent will to survive in this hypothetical situation. But look at it like this; if you die by zombie, that means you’d basically get eaten alive, which would be slow and painful … and who wants that? Also, if a zombie were to bite you, you’d then become a zombie and probably end up eating someone you know.  

Plus, all the simple pleasures of life that we take for granted would cease to exist.  After a while you’d have no running water to shower, you probably wouldn’t be able to brush your teeth, there would be no indoor plumbing and no electricity. It would essentially be the worst episode of “Survivor” that wouldn’t end until you meet your grim fate at the hands of the undead.  

In all aspects, this hypothetical situation is awful and the motivation to survive is simply not enough to convince me anyone would want to go through that. 

You might also be thinking, “If I had a gun or a weapon of some kind, I’d have a chance.” Newsflash, if 500 really fast zombies were running at you from all angles and you really think a gun would help you … good luck, Charlie.

I might seem cynical for this opinion, but I’m just being a realist. So, next time you watch a zombie movie and think you’d have a chance, be honest with yourself.