Universal pastimes are few and far between. How many things can all people say they do? Breathe, poop, what else? I think the best universal pastime award, that differs between time and place, has to be awarded to none other than stuffing your face. Eating. Mangia, mangia.
Eating allows people to connect on multiple levels. Sharing a meal with a friend is great bonding time, and family dinner is essential for a happy home. Everyone has to eat and drink so it brings people together harmoniously…for the most part. Eating a favorite food or sipping a delightful beverage can enhance your day, make you less grumpy and more pleasant to be around, and it creates a more peaceful universe. That is why I’ve started the movement, “Maddieatz.”
My organization, or rather my new instagram page, @maddieatz, hones in on the greatest universal truth man has discovered. As we all tirelessly slave away in the corporate machine, or sulk our way through jobs and irrelevant classes at a so-called prestigious state university, I’ve developed a jubilant series to brighten the dull, dreary landscape that is the internet and our cellular lives.
Why Instagram, some might ask? The answer is simple. Because Vine is dead. The greatest place to put small masterpiece clips was on the almighty Vine, but with its dated demise I’ve decided that Instagram, the expert copycat, will suffice. Instagram is a superb place for my videos to be longer and more detailed.
What do I record? Videos of me eating. What else would I record on a page called “Maddieatz”?
Don’t like chewing sounds? Neither do I. I have misophonia. The plus to using a medium like Instagram is that the videos can be watched on mute, so you never have to hear me chew or swallow. You can be a silent patron to my artistic endeavors. I also do everything in my power to never make noise while eating as it causes me great anxiety. No, having an Instagram dedicated to eating is not counter-intuitive for those reasons. Mind your business.
The clever uniting and sharing of the “e” of both “Maddie” and “eats” was an easy decision, as the proper spelling of my name was already taken, as well as the version with a concluding “s.” However, the “z” at the end adds pizazz and flair, a characteristic the page and myself have in common. Using the incorrect spelling of my own name, combined with the edgy “z,” shows my viewership that I tend carefully and responsibly to my subject and cater to the needs of my audience while maintaining my personal growth and respect.
It’s an Instagram where I post videos of me eating.
What kinds of food do I eat, you may want to know? Well, I eat very few things because I’m a really picky eater. My refined tastebuds can only gobble up the finest SUB Crazy Bowlz burritos, or chocolate frosted donuts from diners in Brooklyn. My tongue can only be graced by the finest cuisine.
Why, you may ask? Why in God’s name did I decide to record myself eating? The answer to that, my friends, is in your own heart. I cannot answer why art is made, or how brilliance come to fruition. I don’t understand the depths of the intricate, intensive and creative processes that takes place in the mind of a genius like myself. I can only follow my heart and seek to contribute to the world in all of the excessively uncomfortable, and probably gross, ways I know how.
Upon following the account, as I know all you readers must’ve done already, you may discover I do more than just eat. In fact, I also digest numerous liquids in conjunction with my food. In truth, the Instagram currently has more videos of me drinking than me eating. Alas, this is the plight of a grassroots, kick-starter, non-profit entrepreneur. Not all pieces of the grand puzzle that is your lifeblood will always coincide. I believe it’s best to keep ‘em guessing.
With this project, I hope to get a substantial amount of donations to further my research and explore the vast dimensions that edible nourishment materials have to offer. I also hope to gain enough traction that my page goes viral and I can go on Ellen like the little Yodel kid.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to my inevitable fame and plethora of new followers.
Follow @maddieatz on Instagram! Send donations to @Maddi_Alfonz on Venmo! Feel free to email me with any questions as well at firstname.lastname@example.org.