Nacho Mama’s Recipe

anthony derosa

Growing up in an Italian household, I got to eat a lot of great food. Like, “dear-lord-I-want-to-vomit-why-did-I-do-this-to-myself” kind of a lot.

You’d think after 20 years I’d have picked up some skills in the kitchen. Sadly, this isn’t the case – I once spent 10 minutes stirring tomato soup on the stove without ever turning on the burner. My mother, an Italian native, did most of the cooking.

However, my mother did impart one bit of culinary knowledge on me before I left the pasta-woven nest: how to make nachos. What’s that you say? That’s not even remotely Italian? I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of the crunching of these absolutely delicious nacho ingredients:

-Tortilla chips, or saltine crackers if you’re on a budget

-Cheese of varying shapes and sizes

-Salsa and jalapenos, sacrificial blood

-Toaster oven (not for eating purposes)

Step 1 – Acquire tortilla chips and a toaster oven.

Step 2 – Grab some cheese. Cheese is an essential part of making nachos. Without cheese, you’ll just end up with those warm corn chips they serve at Mexican restaurants, and they give that shit out for free.

Step 3 – Spice it up. Salsa, jalapenos, goat’s blood, whatever you’re into that gives your food that bowel-destroying kick.

Step 4 – Toss it in the oven! Ideally, the tortilla chips should be on the bottom, but if you’re feeling particularly avant-garde, feel free to experiment in whatever manner you want. Just be sure not to look directly into the oven, because when you stare into the oven, the oven stares back into you.

Congratulations! You’re the proud owner of your very own plate of nachos! If you’ve followed the recipe correctly, your body will soon begin to hate itself and the night will end with toilet-induced trauma.