A Valentine’s Guide for Cynical Singles

Perhaps you’re 20 and have never been in a serious relationship, nor even a silly little situationship. Maybe last Christmas, you gave someone your heart, and the very next day, they gave it away. Perhaps you’re just a misanthropic curmud- geon at the ripe old age of barely legal-to-drink, who thinks Valen- tine’s Day is a pathetic cash grab of a Hallmark holiday, sickened at the unruly sight of heart-shaped merchandise.

Regardless of your prerogative, look no further this Feb. 14, for I’ve amassed a list of surefire activi- ties for you to cope with the unruly misery of this Valentine’s Day.

Drown your sorrows in media overload.

If your heart has recently been ripped to smithereens, you’ll want to choose a movie that reflects how much worse things could be rather than an uplifting flick about the magic of “happy,” “healthy” rela- tionships that are obviously unreal- istic to strive for. Some Suggestions include:

Blue Valentine (2010) – watch a marriage between two once-in-love and now miserable people spiral downward to the point of no return, intercut with scenes of their happiest days together to feel like your heart is disintegrating within your chest. (500) Days of Summer (2009) – an overly idealistic pick-me-boy falls for the manic pixie dream girl of his dreams. Watch him spiral downward until his heart also feels like it is disintegrating within his chest. Gone Girl (2014) – watch Ben Affleck be an even bigger scumbag than he is in real life as he’s accused of the murder of his wife.

Fight Club (1999) – if an outlet for anger is what you’re looking for, how does watching filthy men rip each other apart in a basement sound? Bojack Horseman (2016-2020, technically) – and you thought you were self-loathing?

If you’re in the mood for a marathon, you’ll need a few activi- ties to pass the time between flicks.

Whilst brooding, smoke an entire pack of cigarettes by your- self, even better if it’s in one sitting. You could also eat an entire cake by yourself on your floor, or in a warm bathtub fully clothed if you’re look- ing for the campy femme-fatale aesthetic.

Lastly, the perfect queue is arguably the most important part of getting through any dreaded day, so you’re going to want to hear from some of the greatest cynics of the century who’ve been through it all. The pessimistic playlist of your dreams is as follows:

I Don’t Wanna Get Over You – The Magnetic Fields

Unloveable – The Smiths

Break Stuff – Limp Bizkit

You Stupid B***h – Girl In Red

No Children – The Mountain Goats Somebody That I Used to Know – Elliot Smith

I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry – Yo La Tengo

How To Never Stop Being Sad – Dandelion Hearts

Meaningless – The Magnetic Fields Hate Yourself – TV Girl

And there you go. Which- ever route you choose to pursue this season of love don’t remember to make your loneliness everyone else’s problem and you’ll be guaranteed a memorable Valentine’s Day.